It is difficult for me to write about sex every week, but I’ve committed to myself until the end of this year and then I’ll probably evolve again, though I honestly hope this blog stays online, I don’t know in which form that’s going to happen. Honesty is not about truth, not for me, so it’s gonna be ok. I’ve changed the content of this domain so many times! Some of you probably remember me from my modelling days, and oh boy I did that for more than eleven years of my life and I know I did a good job and learned good stuff, I became very sensitive and receptive, I can spot a creep from the way they structure their emails. Isn’t that a life skill? It can save your life if what you do for a living is taking your clothes off, whatever that job is. And I still do, and I will for a while, in different ways, trying to be honest, honest to myself before anything else.
So, I know I tell that every damn time in my newsletters, but I am trying something different here, so this page should look like my journal, if I had one. I love to be honest and open, and for some reason I like to share my thoughts with the world, with you, I like to take you to a safe space and explore with me, or just say hi to each other at a crowded party, do you know what I mean? It’s like having your best mate who looks at you across the room to make sure you’re ok on your big serotonin and dopamine trip you thought was a great idea twenty minutes ago but now you wish they were meticulously analysing the texture of your hair instead of rubbing their dry hand onto your clit, or your dick for that matter. I am the friend that bangs on the door shouting your name, dragging you out of that, making you tea and then we can also make out a little bit because we know it doesn’t mean we’re in a romantic relationship now.
This blog is that feeling, a quiet morning and a soft come down, everyone is asleep, someone is preparing for work, and we are here, in this mess, we’re tired but have still so much to say it would be outrageous to pass out now even if in each other’s arms.
I remember this one morning in 2013 in Kazakhstan (that’s where I was born), there were Denis and I after a night out, I was coming back from a tragic but cringe break up with someone I dated for two weeks, he played a gig and then came to rescue me. I was so glad to see him! And I wasn’t high, nor drunk, I wasn’t expecting anything, I just wanted that person, at that moment my life did feel perfect.
We walked the dark streets of Almaty, talked about buildings, flats, people in the flats, us, he seemed sad I was leaving the country in a couple of weeks, I wasn’t surprised, we could have had a wonderful relationship. We finally approached a 24h café, had some kuksi, he had some more whiskey, I had coffee and then we watched the sunrise and I will never forget how the light bounced from glass to glass, to his eyes, to my skin, I felt so infinite it hurts and my heart misses a beat each time I close my eyes to remember that feeling.
We then called a cab and went to his place and spent an hour playing with his kitten (I know how that sounds but it was an actual cat), we then had sex, and it was weird. It was great! But it was weird because what I felt at that shitty café was so much more than this. I was talking to Alessandra the other day, and she reminded me again that not all the sexual tension is meant to be untangled and consumed, and I agree now... but can’t explain exactly why. I don’t think me and Denis are compatible in bed, he is too dominant and, I don’t know, bold, harsh, dry? He is great but I like it slow, sweet, very wet and always on the edge. In my head, dry and wet are also a state of mind, not only a physical condition. I love it raw and strong but it has to change, it has to have a dynamic as schizophrenic as my mood, and even though I like a more dominant presence, I’d rather have it more fluid, constantly changing who’s in charge, who is in control, who can let go... I’m queer and fluid, fickle and unpredictable but I always know what I want and try my best to communicate that. I can’t go thick about sex, sex is not a piece of wood, sex is water and I am the Moon.
Anyways, without going too philosophical about my life, I am having fun, and I sometimes cry too and that’s fine unless it’s because I didn’t listen to myself, to my body, to my mind. And I’m glad to share that with you but not all you read is true. It’s honest! But not always true. So take it easy, I’m a writer, maybe not a good one but there is not much else I do as easily and freely so I’m afraid you’re stuck with me for a while. You are here after all. But take it easy. I love you.