I am always careful with expressing my desires because most of the time they come true. When they don’t, it’s because I didn’t really want it, deep down I know I didn’t. If I am not precise and positive, that shit comes my way and it’s just as negligent and unsatisfying. My desires are in the mirror in front of me and when I reach the cold surface with my hand it feels like I am touching myself. But is it really me? And what is a mirror when there is nothing to reflect? Conceptually, what is it?
So what is that I want? No one ever asks me that question unless I’ve expressed my interest first, and it doesn’t feel genuine because they just want to hear stories about themselves, like “it’s you that I want”, or “I want you to do something”. So the question should be “what do you want from me?” instead.
Try this, ask someone what they want and their eyes will shine for an instance and then turn dead if they don’t really know.
I want pleasure. It always came first, and it was systematically followed by shame because that’s not what the society wants. Work first, then pleasure. Clean your room first, and then go play. Do your homework, and then go meet your friends. Eat your veggies, have a dessert later.
Date for a month, fuck later (and find out that you’re not chemically or emotionally compatible in bed). Foreplay even if you don’t feel like it, then penetrate, then cum, then stop, then cuddle and if you don’t you’re an asshole. And you know what all this is leading to? To a concept of “reward”, “deserving”, shame. “To deserve” should be erased from the face of the world!
I fucking deserve everything I want by default, and I don’t need to prove that to anyone. What if I want to kiss you now because I like you? I want to taste you; I want to see how much of that tension is real. What if I am wet to the bone and I want your fingers or your dick or whatever the fuck we’re playing with inside of me? Why should I endure this astriction to build-up towards something that’s already there and will be only extinguished by the passing of time punctuated by your tongue that should be against and within my tongue instead as I’m cumming hard against your body...? Why can we not fuck like animals and then suck each other’s dicks? That can be teasing too.
For a long time I struggled and tried to conform to the system, then tried to make myself free from the system and apparently it is not as hard as we think, but that was not what I wanted. How could I be on the edge of the system, or how could I become a virus and just be in it using its own games and rules or lack of them to do what I wanted? I’ve always been fascinated by the Amphiprioninae (clownfish) and how it tricks the anemone to perceive the fish as its own species, so that it could seek protection between the anemone’s tentacles without being poisoned. Insidious.
So I’ve started to transform my pleasure in work, slowly, clumsily, confusingly, not without pain and sweat and loneliness. Circa two years ago something clicked and I decided I wouldn’t give up, I would try every way endless times, and find other ways if failed, and eventually I stopped seeing failure as an option, only mistakes, only little steps on the way ahead to whatever the fuck I was trying to reach, an orgasm of some sort. An orgasm cannot last forever, just like happiness, but you can have as many as you want, and remember to breathe, hydrate, rest, and you’re cool. That’s my life.
I want pleasure. Pleasure comes first, everything else can wait. My work is pleasure, and it is sometimes hard but I see it as attempts to do better, always evolving, and refining, never settling because I start drowning when I do the same thing for too long. I don’t even know how I can and will keep this blog alive, I’m telling you because I know myself (and what I want), this place will change a lot throughout time, I can only promise you that it’s going to be honest.